two hundred and eighty-seven days

Here we are, right on the verge of something life changing and yet life is still the same.  It could happen later today, tomorrow or later this week, suddenly our family of two becomes a family of three.  You'd think after being pregnant for what seems like forever (really only forty-one weeks) my mind would be able to understand this concept and yet I don't.... will I ever really?

These last few days have felt like an eternity, yet I know looking back these past nine months will seem like they've flown by.


Motherhood, giving up yourself and learning a new understanding of patience.

xx

Dear Baby Girl,

Your Daddy and I were surprised when the technician told us you were a little girl, yet at the same time our hearts already knew.  When others would assume you were a boy I'd always point out the fact that you could still be a girl, and during a quiet time God told your Daddy you were a girl.  I am so excited for you to get here, to see who you look like.  Will you have my blue eyes?  Will you have Daddy's curly hair?  

I want to do you right, I want to love you so well that a day doesn't go by where you don't doubt the great love surrounding you.  I want to raise you up, knowing the great love of our Father, the one who spoke you into existence and knit you together within me.  I want you to know the great love your Daddy and I have not only for you but for each other, may we show you a family striving for what God desires a family to be.  

I want you to know the sky is the limit for what you can be.  Baby girl I will rally behind you always, Ninja Turtles for your third birthday, and a tea party for your fifth, whatever your little heart desires to be I will cheer you on.  In a culture that has such high and unrealistic expectations for women, may you always know God's expectations of love and how He sees you.

You, my sweet baby girl are already so loved, sometimes I don't think my heart can fully handle it, may I spend the rest of my life trying to show you this love.

My wild flower. 

big windows and floor plants

I long for a place of my own.  A home constructed of walls, with floors and windows.

During this season of life, Sam and I are making our home in a RV, we did so in the fall but something changes once you're pregnant and looking through the lens of what life will look like with a baby.  My heart aches for actual walls and a place of residency.  I want to create a homey space, complete with white walls, beautiful wood floors, and giant floor plants, my ultimate dream.  Create a more permanent place for our soon to be family of three.

I keep coming to God with my dreams of a home, and he keeps bringing me in close, whispering His faithfulness; how those dreams will someday soon become real, and showing me how even those little desires of my heart don't go unnoticed to Him.

Please hear me, I am so very thankful for our current little place, a place where Sam and I can rest and reflect on the day.  I recognize the great blessing we are walking in and though I live in a tiny RV home, it's mine for this current season, and the possible first home for our baby. All of these feelings may be steaming from extra hormones, and could be the first twinges of "nesting".

Thought my current situation is less then ideal I wouldn't want to be anything else.  We are right where God wants us, in a community, devoted to chasing after Him, RV home or not I wouldn't change it.

two pink lines

We had only been in North Africa for roughly two weeks, still adjusting to our new culture and environment. Yet there I was, attempting to come to the realization that behind this little stick resided a new possible future.  So many conflicting emotions were flowing through my heart, excited for the maybe positive, yet anxious about what the rest of our time would look like because of the positive.  At the same time, my heart was also nervous for a negative, for my mind to be tricking my body into thinking I was pregnant when I wasn't.

It wasn't like Sam and I weren't open to adding a little someone, God had been making it very apparent about our coming future. I was still scared, scared to have a heart dream and desire possibly not coming into reality at that moment.  I was still struggling with trusting Him, and believing I'd actually be able to carry and sustain life.  My mind saw this as too good to be true and as a result not likely to happen, I trusted God but still guarded my heart.

When those two pink lines came staring back at me I knew my view of God had been squeed.  He desires so much for me, why not the deepest desires of my heart as well?  God was so much capable and bigger then I was giving him credit.  When I was questioning if I could get pregnant, already he was knitting life inside of me.  While I was still doubting Him, God was making himself made known.

That chilly day in January began a journey that will last a lifetime.  God has continued to make Himself made known through this new life.  Facilitating an ultrasound in a foreign country, finding good prenatal vitamins and a pharmacist, having health insurance waiting once we arrived state side and so much more.  Sweet baby you already have such a rich history of God and His provision, and this is just the beginning.        

Class of 2016

I did it.  Today I turned in my last two assignments before I could graduate!  In a few short days I will have my Bachelors in Human Services.  I remember when I first started towards my Bachelors after getting my Associates, it seems so out of reach, I felt like I was going to be in school forever.

Now here I am, after switching schools and programs I only had a year and a few months before I could graduate.  It was a hard year and few months believe me, from moving to Grand Rapids, planning a wedding, working full time, getting married, moving in with Sam, changing jobs, packing up our first apartment together, and traveling across the country to Texas all the while carrying a full load of classes each term.

I will graduate on the President's Honor role through my University, which blows my mind honestly.  I have no more room to doubt what I am capable of completing, and when I do have times of doubt, I will remember this season and everything I was able to accomplish in it.

This is just one more step closer to where God is leading Sam and I to next.    

Apt. 5

This morning we woke up to pouring rain accompanied by lightening and thunder, with our small apartment in the disarray that is called moving. I knew this day was coming, since Sam resigned the lease last July but my heart was still a little sad as we close the door one last time.

I remember two year ago, after Sam and I's second year at camp together helping him move in.  In May of last year when I made the treck over to Grand Rapids and we had our first dinner together at his apartment before I drove the ten minutes over to my new home (how short ten minutes are when compared to two hours).  Walking into the apartment as husband and wife and creating with what we have our first home together.  And here we are, at the end of the first chapter of our little family.

Our home for the next few months is going to look a little different as we spend time with family in Michigan and then in Texas before Florida becomes our stomping grounds for the rest of 2016.

Goodbye sweet first home, you had many challenges but oh so many sweet little moments.

three fifteen

3:15 exactly.  I have forty-five minutes with the two little girlies i nanny (they are both taking a nap currently).  Forty-five minutes before this next big chapter of life kicks off.  It's funny because I remember thinking about this moment.  Would I be ready?  Would we have everything figured out?  Would our support raising be ready?  So many questions, honestly, I still have questions and blank spaces waiting to be written.

That's okay, I may not always have peace about the unknowns and question marks, believe me.  But everything will be okay, we are entering in to a great season of God providing for us.  This is going to be a great season of growth for our little family, I can just feel it.
Instead of feeling overwhelmed with what I don't know I'm going to take each day as they come, and wait to see how God reveals Himself.

It is now 3:20 and I am only forty minutes away from one of the greatest seasons of life.